Hit me baby one more time

Hit me baby one more time for Martin MacPhail

My beloved Brit,

I must confess that my loneliness is killing me now. I get out for meals, exercise and yeah of course there are the occassional visitors. There's never you. Never. I miss you. When I'm not with you I lose my mind, but I guess I have to get used to that now.

I can't expect you to wait for me. By the time I'm out I'll be an old man. So find someone that makes you laugh. You have the most amazing laugh. Have some kids, I always said you'd make a great mummy. 

It's not the way I planned it. I'd never touched a gun before. I'd never stolen anything in my life. They say the guy is paralysed. I didn't mean it - you have to believe me. It just went off in my hand. I thought I'd killed him Brit - thought he was gone. I had to do it. I was desperate. They were going to kill you if I didn't pay them back. 

It shouldn't have got to this, I know I should've got help. Spoken to someone, like you kept telling me. I got cocky but I swear they told me it was a 'fool proof system' - I just had to follow the signals and follow the plan. "Hit me baby one more time." Those words will haunt me. I knew I'd fucked up. The guy that signalled shook his head and left, so did the rest of the team. Ten of clubs. Bust. House wins. 

If I didn't pay them back the full fifty grand they said they'd come after everyone I'd ever loved - starting with you.

I don't expect you to forgive me, I just need you to understand.

I love you Brit. The reason I breathe is you.

Love,

Paul

I should be so lucky

I should be so lucky (for Mairi Kennedy)

There is no hesitation. I just react. Which is odd for someone who has avoided any form of conflict for his entire life. It's a crazy situation but as I grab the barrel of the gun I'm not thinking about the danger, I'm thinking that this is the first time I've ever touched a real gun.

It feels heavier than I imagined. I'm trying to pull it away from the cashier and my fellow customers. They scramble for cover. In my imagination I thought they'd join in and help me but now it's just me and him.

It's been a while since I've been in such close proximity to another human being. Last time it was aunt Mable at Kylie's wedding. In a strange way tangoing with my balaclava, gun totting friend is preferable.

We continue to dance. Nobody is wanting to cut-in. It's just us. Me, him and that gun. I'm winning though. I'm actually winning. My strength surprises me, and by the widening look in his eyes, it surprises him too. That's when he raiases his knee and connects. I think you know where.

I crumple, releasing my grip on the gun. The room explodes.

-------------------

The consultant is showing me an x-ray. Telling me that the bullet narrowly missed this vital organ and that vital organ. He tells me that my paralaysis is the good kind, the kind that might not be permanent, that over time that sensation may return.

I should be so lucky.